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Mount Vernon, WA 98274
In a revelation that sounds like it escaped from a sci-fi comedy writer’s notebook, scientists and engineers have unveiled plans for a 36-mile-long cigar-shaped starship. Yes, you read that right—36 miles. That’s longer than most commutes, and certainly longer than the patience of anyone who’s ever tried to assemble IKEA furniture.
The starship, which has been dubbed “The Galactic Stogie,” is said to be humanity’s ticket to interstellar travel. But let’s be honest—this is the kind of idea that sounds great in a sci-fi novel but will likely remain as fictional as a unicorn riding a hoverboard.
“This starship will revolutionize space travel,” said Dr. Imaginarius, the project’s lead scientist, while gesturing at a PowerPoint slide featuring a poorly Photoshopped image of a cigar floating in space. “We’re talking about a vessel that can carry thousands of people to the stars!” Of course, he conveniently left out the part where we don’t yet have the technology, funding, or even a clue how to make this happen.
The Galactic Stogie is designed to be powered by a revolutionary propulsion system that doesn’t exist yet. “We’re confident we’ll figure it out,” said one engineer, who was later seen Googling “how to build a warp drive.” The ship will also feature luxurious accommodations, including zero-gravity jacuzzis and a space casino, because nothing says “advanced civilization” like gambling in orbit.
Critics have been quick to point out the obvious flaws in the plan. “A 36-mile-long spaceship? Where are they going to park it?” asked one skeptic. “And who’s going to clean the windows?”
Despite the skepticism, the team remains optimistic. “This is the future of humanity,” said Dr. Imaginarius. “Or at least, it’s a great way to get people to invest in our Kickstarter.”
We’re not saying it’s impossible. We’re just saying it’s improbable enough to be hilarious.
—Dr. Imaginarius, Lead Dreamer, Acme Warp Inc.
So, will The Galactic Stogie ever take flight? Probably not. But hey, it’s fun to dream. And if nothing else, it’s given us all a good laugh—and a new appreciation for the phrase “pipe dream.”
