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In a discovery that has scientists laughing nervously and the rest of us wondering if the universe has a senior discount program, researchers have identified the oldest known black hole in existence. This ancient cosmic entity, affectionately nicknamed “Grandpa Void,” is so old it probably remembers when Pluto was still a planet—and when it had to walk uphill both ways through spacetime to get there.
“This black hole is about as far back as you can practically go,” said Dr. Starry Eyed, the lead researcher, while trying to keep a straight face. “It’s like finding a fossil of the first fish that decided to take a walk on land, except this fish is a billion times the mass of our sun and has a gravitational pull strong enough to suck the fun out of a birthday party.”
At an estimated age of over 13 billion years, Grandpa Void has seen it all—or rather, absorbed it all. But let’s be honest, at this age, it really shouldn’t be wearing spandex. “It’s a bit much,” joked one astronomer. “We get it, you’re timeless, but maybe leave the galaxy-print leggings to the millennials.”
The discovery has sparked debates in the scientific community about how such an ancient black hole could have formed so early in the universe’s history. “It’s like finding a fully grown adult at a kindergarten reunion,” said Dr. Eyed. “Or like discovering a dinosaur with a smartphone—it just doesn’t add up.”
Despite its age, Grandpa Void is still going strong, devouring matter and bending spacetime like it’s 13 billion years younger. “It’s the Keith Richards of black holes,” quipped another scientist. “It just keeps going. We’re half expecting it to start a rock band with a neutron star.”
Dr. Imaginarius, known for his flair for the dramatic, has announced that his company, Acme Wax, has started a Kickstarter to fund creating enough candles to cover Grandpa Void’s next birthday cake. “We’re going to need a lot of wax,” he said, “and possibly a fire extinguisher the size of a small moon.”
Grandpa Void, however, isn’t all fun and games. It’s been known to grumble at passing teen-aged galaxies, metaphorically shaking its event horizon and growling, “Get off my galactic lawn!”
So, what’s next for Grandpa Void? Probably more of the same—sitting at the edge of the universe, pulling in unsuspecting stars, and refusing to act its age. And while it may not have a Facebook account to share its memories, it’s left an indelible mark on the cosmos. Just don’t ask it to babysit your galaxy—it’s got enough on its plate. And whatever you do, don’t let it near the buffet; it’s already eaten half the observable universe.
