By Dr. Imaginarius, Cosmic Affairs Editor

In a move that has stunned astronomers and delighted late-night satirists, the interstellar object known as 3I/ATLAS has been officially labeled a “radiation-scarred trespasser” by Earth’s newly self-appointed Galactic Border Patrol. The comet, currently hurtling toward the Sun at 138,000 mph, has refused to slow down or present documentation, prompting former President Donald Trump to issue a bold campaign promise:

“If I’m reelected for a third term—which many people are saying I already won—we’re going to build a wall around the entire solar system. And Alpha Centauri is going to pay for it. Bigly.”

🧱 Wall Specs (Unofficial but Very Real, According to Trump)

• Height: 1.2 light-years
• Materials: Quantum bricks, solar ego panels, and leftover moon golf balls
• Features: Coma detectors, anti-radiation spray, and Space Force holograms

NASA scientists, still recovering from the shock of discovering the highest CO₂-to-water ratio ever recorded in a comet, declined to comment on the wall but did confirm that 3I/ATLAS may be older than the solar system itself, possibly 3 to 11 billion years. When asked if the comet could be a sentient influencer from the galactic core, one researcher whispered, “Honestly, it’s got the vibe.”

🪐 Alpha Centauri Responds

In a leaked transmission intercepted by Voyager 1 (still cruising at a respectable 38.33 miles per second), Alpha Centauri’s ambassador Glorbnak-7 replied:

“We literally just got here. We didn’t send the comet. We don’t even have a treasury.”

The ambassador then released a cloud of diplomatic gas and vanished into a wormhole.

🧠 Editorial Analysis

Experts at One Step Quest believe the comet’s journey through the heliopause may have triggered a cosmic identity crisis. Having absorbed radiation levels far beyond solar norms, 3I/ATLAS now appears to be staging a high-speed protest against planetary bureaucracy.

“It’s like the comet is saying, ‘I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Radiation storms off the shoulder of Orion. And now you want me to fill out a customs form?’”

📅 What’s Next?

3I/ATLAS is expected to reach perihelion on October 30, ducking behind the Sun like a shy celebrity avoiding paparazzi. Meanwhile, Earth prepares for the possibility of a galactic passport system, complete with comet background checks and interstellar toll booths.