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Mount Vernon, WA 98274
By Galaxia Quirk, Senior Cosmic Correspondent
In a shocking development that has astronomers clutching their telescopes and conspiracy theorists updating their blogs, the interstellar object known as 3I/ATLAS has been clocked barreling toward the inner solar system at a reckless 138,000 mph—nearly four times the legal limit for celestial wanderers.
NASA officials, speaking through a haze of coffee and existential dread, confirmed that 3I/ATLAS is “probably a comet,” though its behavior suggests it may be something more sinister: a galactic fugitive fleeing the radiation-soaked ruins of a long-dead star system.
“We’ve never seen a CO₂-to-water ratio this high,” said one researcher, visibly shaken. “It’s like the comet’s been bathing in cosmic Red Bull for 11 billion years.”
🚨 Suspected Violations:
- Failure to file a flight plan with the Interplanetary Traffic Authority
- Possession of ancient ice with suspicious radiation signatures
- Excessive speed in a heliopause zone
- Possible intent to photobomb Mars during perihelion
James Webb’s Near-Infrared Spectrograph, which has been described as “the Hubble’s cooler, more emotionally distant cousin,” revealed that the comet’s icy core contains more CO₂ than a soda aisle during a Super Bowl weekend. Some experts believe this points to formation near the CO₂ ice line of a protoplanetary disk. Others suspect it’s just showing off.
🧠 Theories Abound:
- Formed in a minimalist star system with low heavy elements and high drama
- Ejected by a gas giant with abandonment issues
- Spent millennia absorbing cosmic rays like a sponge in a particle bath
- May be a sentient interstellar influencer seeking solar exposure
🕵️♂️ What’s Next?
3I/ATLAS is expected to reach perihelion around October 30, at which point it will duck behind the Sun like a shy celebrity avoiding paparazzi. Astronomers hope to catch a few final glimpses before it vanishes into the cosmic crowd, leaving behind only questions, data, and a trail of frozen attitude.
