Category News-ish

Real headlines, unreal twists. News-ish is your satirical dispatch center for stories that sound almost credible—until they don’t. From cosmic cruise ships to relationship tech support, we parody the news you didn’t know needed parodying.

🛑 Trump Vows to Build Solar System Wall to Stop Interstellar Comets, Alpha Centauri “Will Pay”

In a press conference aboard a gold-plated space yacht orbiting Mar-a-Luna, Donald Trump unveiled his most ambitious cosmic proposal yet: a solar system–wide wall to block rogue comets, space viruses, and “unlicensed alien traffic.” Constructed from space bricks and quantum rebar, the wall promises to be comet-proof, solar-powered, and—according to Trump—funded by Alpha Centauri. Astronomers remain baffled. Alpha Centauri responded: “We literally just got here.”

🪐 BREAKING: Interstellar Comet 3I/ATLAS Accused of Speeding Through Solar System Without Proper Documentation

In a cosmic joyride that has astronomers clutching their telescopes and bureaucrats scrambling for interplanetary citations, comet 3I/ATLAS has been spotted tearing through the solar system at 138,000 mph—without a flight plan, license plate, or even a courtesy ping to Mars. With suspicious CO₂ levels and a tail that screams “galactic outlaw,” this icy renegade might just be the solar system’s first interstellar influencer.

31/Atlas: Alien Teen’s Science Project Causes Interstellar Commotion

🚀 When Teen Hormones Meet Interstellar Physics Zorblat just wanted to impress Glorbnella. Instead, his glitter-covered comet stunt triggered Earth-wide panic, Harvard speculation, and a galactic PR disaster. What began as a science fair flex turned into a 130,000-mph cosmic oopsie—complete with blinding braces, anti-glare regrets, and one very confused solar system. Turns out, not every alien probe is hostile. Sometimes it’s just a teenager trying to get a date.

The Oldest Black Hole in the Universe: A Cosmic Senior Citizen

In a universe where age is just a number (unless you're a black hole), Grandpa Void has emerged as the oldest-known cosmic entity—grumbling at galaxies, devouring matter, and committing fashion crimes in galaxy-print spandex. With Dr. Imaginarius launching a candle Kickstarter and issuing a stern style intervention, this parody dives into the gravitational drama of a celestial senior citizen who refuses to act his age.

The 36-Mile-Long Cigar-Shaped Starship: A Pipe Dream for the Ages

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left the world chuckling, scientists have unveiled plans for a 36-mile-long cigar-shaped starship. Dubbed The Galactic Stogie, it promises zero-gravity jacuzzis, a space casino, and a propulsion system powered by wishful thinking. Will it fly? Probably not. But it’s a great way to get people to invest in their Kickstarter—and a better way to appreciate the phrase “pipe dream.”

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The 36-Mile-Long Cigar-Shaped Starship: A Pipe Dream for the Ages
The Oldest Black Hole in the Universe: A Cosmic Senior Citizen
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