Location
Mount Vernon, WA 98274
Real headlines, unreal twists. News-ish is your satirical dispatch center for stories that sound almost credible—until they don’t. From cosmic cruise ships to relationship tech support, we parody the news you didn’t know needed parodying.
In Claremont Heights, local officials have passed the Sneeze Frequency Control Act, requiring every resident to apply for an annual permit before any involuntary nasal explosion. The community's sneeze quotas, underground "sneeze black markets," and emergency sneeze amnesty clinics have turned a simple reflex into a full-blown civic crisis.
In a bid to map every citizen's inner landscape, Glenhaven's City Council has passed the Emotional Transparency Act, requiring all residents to don color-coded mood badges at all times. From 'catastrophic panic' purple to 'mild irritation' yellow, the ordinance has spawned underground badge forgers, utensil etiquette classes and an impromptu Mood Tribunal at the community center.
In a move that has citizens both yawning and fuming, the Maplewood City Council has enacted a law requiring residents to secure monthly yawning permits. Officials say the measure protects public safety-while critics accuse them of micromanaging involuntary human biology.
In an unprecedented move blending community engagement with red tape, Stonebridge officials now require residents to apply for spontaneity permits every two weeks before engaging in unplanned activities. Amid outrage and confusion, locals grapple with scheduling impromptu laughter, surprise dance-offs, and last-minute karaoke.
In an ambitious push for civic civility, Verbatim Valley has unveiled a mandatory Conversational Credit system requiring residents to log daily compliments, constructive comments, and agreeable small talk. Those falling short of the new politeness threshold may find themselves on 'Politeness Probation,' where every mumbled complaint could trigger a fine.
In a move blurring the line between bureaucracy and the supernatural, Harrowsville's City Council has passed an ordinance requiring every resident to submit a detailed account of any personal hauntings or spectral encounters. Failure to register a phantom could result in steep fines or compulsory attendance at remedial séances.
In the quaint town of Elmford, officials now require every resident to chalk a daily philosophical insight on their front walk or risk a summons to the newly formed Thought Tribunal. What began as an effort to boost community engagement has spiraled into sidewalk dust allergies, turf wars over quote ownership, and a burgeoning industry of chalk mercenaries.
In a press conference aboard a gold-plated space yacht orbiting Mar-a-Luna, Donald Trump unveiled his most ambitious cosmic proposal yet: a solar system–wide wall to block rogue comets, space viruses, and “unlicensed alien traffic.” Constructed from space bricks and quantum rebar, the wall promises to be comet-proof, solar-powered, and—according to Trump—funded by Alpha Centauri. Astronomers remain baffled. Alpha Centauri responded: “We literally just got here.”
In a cosmic joyride that has astronomers clutching their telescopes and bureaucrats scrambling for interplanetary citations, comet 3I/ATLAS has been spotted tearing through the solar system at 138,000 mph—without a flight plan, license plate, or even a courtesy ping to Mars. With suspicious CO₂ levels and a tail that screams “galactic outlaw,” this icy renegade might just be the solar system’s first interstellar influencer.
An interstellar comet with attitude, a galactic wall proposal from a former president, and Alpha Centauri caught in the diplomatic crossfire—3I/ATLAS is blazing through the solar system at 138,000 mph, refusing to show papers and triggering cosmic chaos. NASA’s baffled, Trump’s building, and Voyager 1 is just trying to keep up.
