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Mount Vernon, WA 98274
By Galaxia Quirk, Senior Cosmic Correspondent
In a press conference held aboard a gold-plated space yacht orbiting Mar-a-Luna, former President Donald Trump announced his boldest campaign promise yet: a “beautiful, impenetrable wall” around the entire solar system to prevent unauthorized entry by rogue interstellar objects like 3I/ATLAS.
“We’re going to build the greatest wall you’ve ever seen,” Trump declared. “It’ll be solar-powered, comet-proof, and Alpha Centauri is going to pay for it. Believe me.”
🧱 Wall Specs (Unofficial):
- Height: 1.2 light-years
- Materials: Space bricks, quantum rebar, and leftover moon rocks
- Features: Anti-coma shielding, radiation deflectors, and a holographic border patrol named “Space Force 2.0”
Astronomers were quick to point out that Alpha Centauri is 4.37 light-years away, has no known currency, and likely no knowledge of Earth’s political drama. But Trump remained undeterred.
“They owe us. They’ve been sending comets, asteroids, and probably space viruses. It’s time we stand up for our solar sovereignty.”
🗳️ Galactic Reactions:
- NASA: “We’re not sure if this is satire or a funding request.”
- SETI: “We’ve received no transmissions from Alpha Centauri, but we did hear laughter from Proxima b.”
- 3I/ATLAS: Refused to comment, but was seen accelerating.
Political analysts speculate that the wall may be metaphorical, metaphysical, or entirely imaginary. Meanwhile, the comet continues its high-speed approach, blissfully unaware of Earth’s latest attempt to legislate the cosmos.
Alpha Centauri Responds to Solar System Wall Proposal: “We Literally Just Got Here”
In a hastily convened press conference held on a rogue asteroid orbiting a binary star, representatives from Alpha Centauri issued a formal statement regarding Earth’s proposed interstellar border wall.
“We were just passing through,” said Ambassador Glorbnak-7, a sentient gas cloud with diplomatic immunity. “We didn’t even bring snacks.”
The ambassador went on to clarify that Alpha Centauri has no plans to fund Earth’s “cosmic vanity project,” citing budget constraints and a recent scandal involving quantum tax evasion.
Meanwhile, 3I/ATLAS has reportedly accelerated in protest, releasing a burst of COâ‚‚ and forming a sarcastic coma shaped like a middle finger.
